When I was 7 I was baptized, and I truly believe that I understood the commitment I made. What I didn't understand that with age, the devil throws bigger rocks at you that seem harder to dodge.
Before I dive into my testimony, I want to tell you a little bit about myself and my family. I sing and play guitar, as well as love color guard. I'm a sophomore at Florida State University (GO NOLES!). Before moving to Tallahassee, I lived with my mom, dad, and two siblings. My parents are currently approaching their 25th wedding anniversary (yay!), my brother Collin is in 10th grade, and my sister Julia is in 8th grade.
I grew up in a church that I give a lot of credit for shaping me and my faith. My mom attended the church in its original location when she was in high school, and my siblings and I practically grew up there. Now that I live in Tallahassee I go to a church called City Church and I love it.
I was really strong in my faith as a little girl (as strong and knowledgeable I could be anyway). It was Jesus and me against the world, and I was not ashamed of that. When I was in middle school, however, things got bumpy. Not that I've ever been ashamed of being a Christian or believing that God is my heavenly Father, but I could feel that I was drifting from what I used to be.
It started out with boys and my strange desire to have a "boyfriend" at age 13. I was totally obsessed, for its almost all I would ever talk about. Most of my conversations something with friends started something like "wow, I really like this boy" or "I talked to him today!" I knew it was annoying, but I felt like I couldn't stop. Then, in 8th grade, I started talking to this boy. At first, I didn't like him in that way, but he liked me and I was not oblivious to it. But of course, I developed feelings for him. From there, it was messy. Long story short, I got way too attached, and I got hurt.
Entering 9th grade, I carried a lot of baggage. At this point, Jesus was just this figure that I could go to when I needed something or when something really good happened. What really separated me from Him was one little word with a whole lot of meaning: depression. I didn't feel good about myself. I felt that I was unlovable and that I messed up everything I touched. To sum it up, I felt worthless, and I was trapped in this giant pit of despair and self-pity.
Don't misinterpret this, however, because I had not thrown away my faith. I still believed in God, I just didn't believe His truths. I wasn't praying to Him, I wasn't reading His Word, and I wasn't living in His light. I hated myself, and I had little desire to make an effort to talk to Him or get to know Him more. There were times, typically after church camps in the summer or moving Sunday sermons, where I did start praying more, and I did dive into His word, but it never lasted long.
This leads me to where I am now. I've created this blog because I feel compelled to strengthen my faith and relationship with God. I've sought out professional help from believers to heal from my depression and severe anxiety. I have made so many great Christian friends who I know are there for me. I'm an active sister of Delta Alpha Chi, a christian sorority at FSU. All of this has turned around because I've opened my heart up to Jesus. I am working towards being my child-self again, always eager to learn more about her Heavenly Father. I know now, however, that life can be hard, and that I'll experience ups and downs. But, if that weren't the case, then why would I need a Savior in the first place?